joke time.

So, a man walks into a bar and orders a whole bottle of the most expensive scotch. The bartender tells him, "Listen, I know times aren't so great all around, so I'm going to need some cash up front for this." The customer pulls out a wallet stuffed with bills and lays a handful of hundreds on the table and tells the bartender to keep the change. Shocked, the bartender apologizes for coming across as rude and quickly fetches the bottle.

When he returns, he asks the man, "What is it you do, anyway. That's a lot of money to be bringing in a place like this. The customer, pouring himself a glass, says, "I'm a professional gambler, it's a pretty good living." Confused, the bartender asks him, "Surely that can't be it, you can't have made all that money gambling, people lose all the time." "Ah," the gambler says, "but I only bet on sure things, that's my game." The bartender, more confused than before, asks him, "But that's not possible, you can't be right all the time." "On the contrary," the customer says, "for instance, I'll make a bet with you right now, if you're interested."

The bartender is hooked now. "I'll bite," he says, "what should we bet on?" The gambler takes a sip, puts a couple bills on the table, and says, "I'll bet you two hundred dollars I can bite my eye." Taken aback, the bartender agrees and slaps another two hundred down. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The bartender howls with laughter. "You got me good, I can see what you mean about sure things. Surely you can't have made all that money $200 at a time." "Of course not," the gambler agrees, "In fact, if you'd like a chance to make your money back and then some, I'll bet you four hundred dollars that I can bite my other eye." The bartender laughs and pulls out more money from the register. "Well, I know you walked in here on your own, and I know you saw that you pulled out exactly two hundred dollars without help, so you can't have two glass eyes. You're on." The man quietly takes out a set of false teeth and bites his other eye with them. The bartender is rolling with laughter at this point, despite having just lost over half a thousand dollars. "Okay, you've fleeced me good, I can see how you do it." The gambler smiles and takes his bottle off to a corner to relax.

Much later in the evening, the gambler staggers back up to the bar, clearly drunk after having drunk half the bottle of scotch. "Hey," he yells to the bartender, "you want to make your money back?" The bartender, wary, asks him, "That depends, what do you have in mind?" The man tells him, "Listen... hey... I'll bet... I bet I can... you can slide a beer glass down the rail... and I'll pee in it. I'll pee in it without spilling a drop." The bartender, laughing even harder than before, tells him, "You're on, you can barely stand! I'll bet you a thousand dollars you can't do it."

The gambler agrees and slowly gets up on the bar, but not after stumbling a few times. The bartender, unable to keep from snickering, slides the glass down the rail. The gambler, try as he might, can't even get a drop in the glass. He pees all over the bar and the floor and even a little on the bartender who is laughing too hard to even care. "Ha!" the bartender yells, "You do lose from time to time!" The man, still smiling, hands over a thousand dollars without missing a beat. Pointing to a group of about a dozen people, he said, "It's alright, I bet all of them two thousand dollars a piece that I could pee on you and all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it."